I'll Love You, Even If You Don't Remember
by MrsRemixed
Summary: There was a loud crunch and thud as he smacked into the pavement, feeling a numbness wrap around his arms and legs. A heavy scent of iron filled his senses as he drifted in and out of consciousness. He could only move his lidded eyes enough to see, what looked like a blurring red and white blotch several feet away. 'Sebastion, no.' (OOC beginning, fixed in story progression)
1. Chapter 1

Hiya, I'm Cynthia, nice to meet yooouuu. No but seriously, let the (hopefully not disgustingly horrible) magic flow from my fingertips before you kill me, my loves. (You know I can see you right?) Jusssss playin.  
Anywhooo.  
Read on, review. Let me know what you think. Read the description for character explanation. NOW GO!  
*coughs* Please.

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CH.1

"Just come _on_!" His lover's lips brushed lightly past his,

"We shouldn't be in here, oh my god what the fuck did you get us into?"

He looked at the man's flushed cheeks as he pulled him along, 'If he wasn't so damn cute we wouldn't be here.'

"Ciel, don't look so worried! It's the middle of the night! Nooobody is here." Sebastion's hair whipped into his face as he turned to console the younger male. A light grin played across his face as he kept a steady pace jogging through the tall grass. They were in a fenced off, restricted field belonging to one of the electric companies on the outskirts of their tiny town. Sebastion had convinced Ciel to come here after a long talk about how Ciel didn't feel comfortable with gay sexual contact in his house, seeing as his parents were homophobes. 'I'll just take him somewhere private, so he feels better.' That's all Sebastion had thought when he convinced the younger male to jump the fence a few blocks from their houses at one in the morning.

"The sign said we would have to pay a fine if caught trespassing, I can barely scrape up twenty bucks, let alone fucking five hundred!"

The older male stopped then, and turned around to face the boy he had been dragging behind him.  
He slid a pale finger under his chin lifting Ciel's lips toward him and leaning down to brush his own against them. The pink that was painted across their faces from running deepened as they made contact.

"I don't want to worry you Ciel, I just want you to feel safe with me, somewhere away from your parents." He huffed loudly, annoyed by his own thoughts. "Don't get me wrong, they're nice and all but we've been playing straight since you were in ninth grade. I can't keep doing it, and neither can you. We both know that." He just looked down and waited for a response as his crimson orbs met the blue sapphires that were Ciel's eyes.

"I know. I'm not saying that I don't appreciate what you're trying to do, it's j-just..."

Sebastion just stared down now, realizing what was really going on. His lips curled deviously.

"You're scared aren't you?" Raising an eyebrow he kept eyeing the boy.

"Of course I am. We're trespassing!"

"Noooooo, that's not the reason you're scared…"

"W-what? Yes it is." The younger male's eyes shifted to his grey converse and faded distressed jeans, slightly hoping he could curl up in the folds of his oversized green hoodie, he said,

"Then what do you suppose I'm afraid of, hmmm?"  
"You're scared 'cuz it's the early hours of the morning and we're in the middle of a deserted field, surrounded by overgrown grass, where nobody could hear us if we screamed."

Ciel gulped, "Shut the fuck up Seb, before I smack your dumb ass upside the head."

The older male reacted to the growl of the younger by reaching out for his waist, hands locking and resting on his lower back as he pulled him close. He moved his face close enough that Ciel could feel his warm breath in the early spring nighttime air lapping against his face when he spoke.

"Ciel, I will take you right here, discard any age differences, wishes or beliefs you may have, I will fuck you senseless if you call me Seb again." The voice that spoke was throaty and low, almost like a threat, but laced with poisonous honey.

The younger's eyes widened at this remark, taken aback, it took him a moment to react. Sebastion took this as an opportunity to tease the boy. "C'mon Ciel, don't you want it? Didn't you tell me before you wanted to bottom?" Sebastion tried not to crack another smile as he watched all the emotions he had just caused flicker across the other male's features. It went from shock, to anger, then from loving to embarrassment. Unluckily enough, the embarrassment stuck.

"Shut _uuup_!" Ciel was whining now, realizing he wouldn't get out of this any other way. He stared right back at Sebastion now. A slight pout was creeping onto his face in the moonlight, casting the smallest shadow on his chin. He furrowed his brows slightly, trying to play on his boyfriend's weakness for him.

"Sebastion, don't say stuff like that. You know it makes me shy, and it scares me! I don't want to do it until I'm legal, you knooow that!"

The elder male dropped his arms now, taking a step back, and hoping the act would calm the other a tad bit. He hated the slight wrinkles that would play across the boy's alabaster skin when he got upset. It made Sebastion feel bad about saying those things, he knew how hard it was for Ciel to accept his sexuality after so many years in a house that frowned upon it.

"Okay, okay, look I'm sorry…" Twiddling his thumbs he kept going. "I didn't mean to upset you, I get why you feel that way, plus in a few months, you won't have to worry anymore. You'll be eighteen, so it'll be ok."

The way he was fidgeting with his hands, Ciel couldn't help but forget for a moment that the man before him was actually twenty one.

"Hahahahahaha!" Ciel held his sides as his giggle tried to take over. "You know, sometimes you make my goddamn heart twitch with how sensitive you are with me." Sebastion was laughing now too.

"Twitch_, twitch_? Your heart is _twitching_? Hahahaha!" The laugh reverberated through the older man's chest, causing him to throw his head back just as a drop of rain fell right atop his left cheek. His blinked before realizing what it was.

Ciel was now feeling small drops land on his hands and in his hair as he watched sebastion's grey shirt become spotted by the sudden burst of moisture from the clouds.

The rain only got heavier as the two froze into place, watching each other as their eyes trailed lines up and down. Then it happened, something in Sebastion snapped, and he grabbed onto Ciel's hips as the space between them dissipated. He crushed his lips into the smaller one's mouth. He moved along with the surge of emotion in his chest as it swelled. The feeling was so full, so needy that the younger male couldn't fight it, and instead melted into the embrace like he was melting from the rain. Heated kisses played across their now swollen lips, tasting the rain as it slid between their kiss. Sebastion slid under the green sweater and trailed his hands down his love's body, tracing his stomach, the curve of his hips, the back of his neck, his spine. The light contact caused a moan to form in the back of Ciel's throat, "Oooh.", as he became filled with sweet desire, and he did the same.

Lifting Sebastion's shirt off his body in between their movements, the rain falling so hard it pricked their skin as it came down, Ciel slid his hands over Sebastion's toned chest. Making light sweeps across his stomach, feeling the muscles move of his bare shoulders as they intertwined.

'I have to tell him now.' Ciel thought this as he watched how desperate the other's movements had become. It had been three years since they met, and it had taken this night, this very moment for him to confirm how he felt. He had heard the words spoken by the other male a handful of times, and he knew the feelings were true. 'Dammit, what if I can't?' He was doubting himself now. 'What if he thinks I'm only saying it because we're making out?' They were close, their bodies nearly adhering to one another.

Sebastion was panting, short breaths out, and deep breaths in. The weight in his chest causing him to keep pushing his daunting thoughts aside. Wondering if the love he felt was unrequited, 'No, he has to love me.' Sebastion deepened the kiss, sliding his tongue past the entrance he was so violently attaching himself to. Sebastion, groaned out loud when he felt the reaction he got.

Ciel leaned into him now, his handing mingling into the other's hair, tugging lightly. 'I can't tell him now.'  
He ran his tongue over his lover's, tasting him, like the flavor was fueling them, like every moment would be their last. 'I'll stay with him forever. I'll wait until the time is right, then I'll say it.'

Lightning crashed overhead acting as a spotlight on the two.

_**KEEERPOWWW!**_

Ciel and Sebastion stopped, hearing the thunder roll so loudly that they both dropped to the ground as they saw blue stings wrap around an electrical tower a few yards away that they hadn't even noticed until now. '_Shit_.'

Sebastion quickly looked back to the younger male, realizing the ground was too high and too open, they weren't safe. He grabbed his shirt, and Ciel's hand, yanked him off the ground, and ran as fast as he could, knowing they needed to get away from the electrical and metal objects scattered in the field. 'Bad timing.' That was his only thought as he raced towards the fence he knew was only a few minutes away.

Ciel was trying his best to keep up, seeing the way Sebastion's unclothed skin looked as he ran in front. They were soaked through to the bone, the rush of air from moving so quickly causing him to inwardly shiver as he went. The moment had been intense to say the least, but the lightning striking so close had rattled him. He could still hear it ringing in his ears, like an alarm clock that wouldn't stop. 'I knew this was a bad idea.'

The fence was in sight now, the warm orange glow of the street lamp, slightly obscured by the pelting water around them. 'Not too much farther, we should be okay.' Sebastion could feel his legs aching now, his right shoulder tensing from holding Ciel's hand for so long. He hadn't looked back once after he started to race when the electric tower had been struck, knowing that if he looked back at the other boy's face, he might lose reason, and they wouldn't make it to safety. 'I just wanna fucking kiss him again.' Sebastion shook it off. 'Safety first, kissing later.'

They finally reached the chain link fence and dropped hands. Both out of breath, and ready to pass out. Leaning down and making a stirrup with his palms, sebastion nodded for Ciel to hop over. The younger male placed his foot on the other's hands, and grabbed the top bar of the fence as he was hoisted up. He slipped over to the other side, and nearly lost his balance when his feet hit the sidewalk. Once Sebastion was sure the boy okay, he slid his feet into the rungs of the fence, and climbed over, landing on his feet on the other side as well.

They looked around now, seeing nothing but water refracting light as it fell under the street lamp. The storm wasn't getting any better, smacking the pavement so loud nothing else could be heard. Both exhausted they walked into each other, embracing and leaning on each other for support on their wobbling legs. Brushing a strand of matted hair from Ciel's eye, Sebastion mouthed, "Let's go home." Before planting a light kiss on his forehead.

Ciel, lacing his fingers through his boyfriend's, felt a gentle brush of lips on his brow. They started to walk across the white crosswalk lines of the deserted road, knowing they were only a few blocks from their houses now.

He was in deep thought now about all that had happened what seemed like mere moments ago. So much so that he barely saw Sebastion jerk in front of him before he felt rough hands on his shoulders.

**SSSCCCRREEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCHHHHH!**

There was a loud crunch and thud as he smacked into the pavement, feeling a numbness wrap around his arms and legs. A heavy scent of iron filled his senses as he drifted in and out of consciousness. He could only move his lidded eyes enough to see, what looked like a blurring red and white blotch several feet away from him.

'Sebastion, no.'

That was all he could think as he heard sirens whirring in the distance, getting louder. Blue and white lights settled around him and voices could be heard as black pulled at the edges of his mind. Fading slowly he tried to focus on the shape beside him.  
'I love you.'

He couldn't hold on any longer and let the fog take him over.

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Thanks so much for reading :) Review pleeease. I'll try to upload bi weekly, and I'll let you know when I can't upload as well.

Alsooooooo each chapter will have a song that helped me to write it at the end.

Just so you know I feel sooooo bad they got hit, but it had to happen, it had to.

Chapter Song: All we know - Disclosure


	2. Chapter 2

Hello there again :) Hopefully you're still reading along. (Now now, listen here, I know we all love a little smut here n there, or a LOT and there will be yummy smut in this story, buuuuut, we are gonna have to have some feels every now n again on this site. So call me Dr. Feels. ;) Please review, helps me to know what you like and don't. I enjoy knowing your thoughts. I will read them ALL. Now, on we gooooooo!

**THERE IS A POLL UP NOW ON MY PROFILE! GO AND VOTE :D YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS STORY! YAY!  
But read first :) Thanks all.**

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Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

"Nnnnnnngh"

It was nine o'clock on what seemed like a normal Monday morning. The faint sounds emitting from the room around him went unnoticed as he drifted towards consciousness for the first time in three days. Dark eyelashes fluttered, the boy in the bed unable to muster the strength to open them. He caught the smell of bleach in his nose, felt the cool material under the back of his hands. His thoughts were incoherent, his legs cold, and he could feel the eyes around him. He didn't need to see to recognize the sensation in the pit of his stomach of someone staring.

Warmth slowly spread to his hand and there was shifting as quiet sobs reached his ears. He felt the sensation of weight hovering above him, a whiff of spiced flowers now present.

'Mom. My mom is here.'

"Ciel, Ciel, baby I'm here, I'm here."

The thin voice heightened his senses as he was pulled to the surface of reality. His eyes opened as he tried to sit up. Looking down slightly, he saw a woman. Her light blonde hair pooling on top of the sheets. Her fingers wrapped around his own pale skin being the source of the heat he felt. Her eyes were the same blue as his own, ringed with red, swollen from the tears he saw streaming from them. She sensed the slight movement of her son. Turning to face him, her face drained of all color.

"Nuuuurse!" The sobs grew worse as Ciel heard the shuffling sounds around him. A doctor and three nurses came through the door running. The doctor, an older man, began checking over the equipment immediately, one of the nurses now fiddling with the tubes connecting to his mouth and out of his arms. To the other side he could see a male nurse, with golden hair, looking back and forth between Ciel and the chart he held in his hand, seemingly terrified. The final nurse, was ushering his mother away as the doctor was shouting orders.

He had no idea what was happening, he couldn't figure out what he was doing here. Why had his mother been crying? Where was his father? Nothing he was putting together was adding up, and the tenseness he felt in his limbs was throwing him off just as much. The doctor seemed confused, one of the nurses was scared senseless, and his mom was so upset that she looked like she hadn't slept in days.

'Days? What day is it? Why do I feel so tired?' The questions just kept amounting but he was too exhausted to move, or make any sounds. Instead he just laid there still.

It was hard for the boy to make sense of all the sounds, his mother, the doctor loudly demanding things, the buzz and whirrs of the monitors. His head started to ache as his vision blanked. The commotion causing his body to lock up, as his mind tried to pull back previous memories.

A faint pattering sound, the smell of blood, a man on the ground. 'A man.'

'Oh God, Oh my God, no…'

"AAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!"

A blood curdling scream bypassed his lips as the past tried to crush him beneath the shock. The doctor rushed towards him, as his vision went bright white, the sounds now becoming a dulled wave of nothingness. He could feel the pain rip through his body and straight into his heart, as more and more flashes filled his brain.

Heated touches, running, a white crash, running, rain, loud rain.

The pain increased and he was unaware of the convulsions now shaking his body, his screams echoing off the walls, as the panic around him flurried. Doctors rushed in and out as an alarm sounded above him.

"Code blue! Code blue!"

"Calling Dr. White to ICU patient room two-zero-one!"

"Code blue! Code blue!"

His mother was outside fighting against the restraining hands of the nurses, screaming out to her son as she heard his pained cries.

"Ciel! Get out of my way! Let me see my son! CIEL!" His mother's voice could be heard throughout the entire building.

The nurse was now administering pain medication, trying to slow the reaction, as others were placing patches to his chest, legs, and stomach. His heart rate gained speed as his blood pressure sky rocketed, the machines unable to read his breathing.

"AAAAAaaaaaaaah! AAaaaaaahhhhh! EEeaaaaahhh!"

An orange light, grey shirt, kissing, wet clothes, skin, soft, pale skin.

A man ran in, his doctor's coat a dark coal liner black. His silver hair bounced nearly past his coat as he ran up to the other doctor.

"Dr. White, you're here. Good. The boy started having a fit, after his mother called down the hall when he woke up. We can't get a read on his breathing, and the seizure medication isn't working. "

Dr. White looked quickly over to the boy, grabbing his chart from the blonde nurse nearby. He scanned over it, his yellow eyes flitting between the paper and the boy.

"He isn't having a seizure."

"What?"

"He's having a trauma induced panic attack." He said this as he cracked a sudden grin. A little giggle hiccupping its way out.

"How fun." He kept giggling.

"E-excuse me? Dr. White, what the hell are you laughing at?"

"Don't question me. This boy's going to have a heart attack if we don't stop him. Call for high anxiety reducing meds, and prep him to be moved. We'll have to induce a coma."

"Yes sir."

The doctor began calling out orders for the third time now.

'This is gonna be a tough ride, kid. Let's hope I get to watch.'

With that thought the strange man walked out, right past the screaming boy, right past the nurses, out the door, past his mother, and down the hall. Not a worry in the world.

Just moments later, the golden haired nurse that had been viewing Ciel's papers came into the room again, after leaving to get the required meds.

After asking the head doctor for the required dosage, he walked over to the thrashing boy. He saw the pain in the way the boy jerked. He saw how his eyelids were screwed shut as a team of nurses tried to hold him still. Each ear piercing howl that came from him, tore at the elder's heart. 'Ciel Phantomhive.' The boy's name had been at the top of all his documents.

"You," The nurse turned his head to look at the head doctor. "give him the medicine, hurry up!"

Any other time the boy would have went on a rant about how he had a name, Alois, to be exact. He just couldn't though, not then. He leaned down to the IV, pushing needle after needle slowly into the tube. He could feel the tendons tensing in the patient's arms, as the medicine flooded through him. 'He's so flawless.' Alois couldn't help but think that as he drifted into his own world while watching Ciel slowly calming down, beginning to breathe slower, the way his frail body seemed to fight, and fail. His screams were starting to subside. 'Flawless.'

Ciel couldn't feel the medicine, he didn't know there were people anymore, and he could only live what his mind forced him to see. The way Sebastion had kissed him, the way the rain had soaked through their clothes. He remembered the rough push against him before the car. 'The car.' The thought struck him, that was it; that was what had happened. He saw it all now, the way Sebastion has knocked him out of the way, and taken the full brunt of the hit. The way the older male had been knocked back several feet, the car crunching from the impact. If Ciel could have cried then, he would have. He would have cried for his boyfriend, for the selfless act that could have very well saved his life. His life.

Another jolt ran through him as he realized it then. He hadn't seen Sebastion. He hadn't heard him.

'What if he didn't…' His mind was clouding over again, he didn't know why, and he tried to keep what little consciousness he could. 'Sebastion, you can't be dead. You can't be, you just can't.'

That was when the medicine took him, lulling him into another pool of black.

* * *

Wind lashed at him, burning his face, as he walked on. His black laced coat offered him no protection as he wrapped it around him. His bare feet threaded through the sand as he went, small prints left behind. He could smell the air, light, crisp, salty yet fresh. The ocean was in front of him now, the tide pushing liquid moonlight to his feet as he stood there.

He saw his reflection in the dark water. Blue hair framing his face, as he looked down. His skin was bruised, his neck thin and seemingly brittle. He was unsure as to how he had gotten there, he couldn't recall a single thing. Still staring into the water, he stooped down, placing his fingertips into the shallow depths. He pooled the water into his hands and splashed it against his face.

Looking back down, he now saw his features stained with red. The smell hit him, and he doubled over with nausea, realizing now, it was not water, it was blood. A strange calmness overcame him as his stomach turned.

"Ciel."

It had been a faint cry, and caused the boy to pivot, finding nothing but empty shore for as far as he could see. He began walking down the shoreline, careful not to step into the sea of blood, but leaving the previous fluid to dry on his face. The smell giving him an instinctual feeling of dread, though not enough to shift his thoughts.

"Ciel."

There it was again, it had been closer this time though, sounding just yards in front of him. He kept moving along, eyes darting around his pale, night lit surroundings. The feeling he had was growing increasingly worse. So much so, that he kept glancing over his shoulders, not sure what he was expecting to find.

"CIEL."

He spun around so fast that it knocked him off his feet. Landing with a grunt, he peered about himself wide eyed. 'Where? Where did it come from?' It had been whispered in his ear. Close enough that there was no way they could have hidden out of sight before he had turned around. The thought petrified him, as he finally took in the quiet solitude of his surroundings.

He didn't want to be alone, not here, not anywhere. Somebody was out here. They were toying with him. With that in mind, he planted himself there on the beach, and decided, if someone wanted his attention, they'd have to come to him. He just silently hoped they wouldn't.

He sat there, and nothing else for what seemed like hours. Though the moon never sat, the sun never rose, and the voice was gone. He was frozen. His muscles ached, the blood on his face dry, cracking, and falling to his lap. His stomach had settled, but the smell of blood was still there, probably from the sea of blood just several feet away. Every few minutes, he got the urge to stand, to run, put as much distance between him and this place as possible, yet every time he was about to, his legs went lethargic, and he couldn't.

Finally with the resolve to go through with it, he tried to get up. His legs wobbled, feeling too weak to carry him.

'I have to get the hell out of here!'

Once on his own two legs, red shreds about him, he let out a sigh. "I can do this, I can get away."

It was then that he heard the sea behind him making small swooshing sounds. The hair on his neck stood as he slowly turned his head, eyes wide, and stared at the ripples before him. They started off small and grew bigger and bigger. Eventually an object surfaced, and began bobbing in the distance. He edged closer, trying to identify what it was he was seeing. It floated nearer to him and up onto the beach before he figured it out.

Lying half exposed in the white sand, and half hidden in the blood, was a body. Still and unmoving it stayed there, not unlike its audience of one, who was also unmoving and chilled to the core. Ciel was reeling in fear now, so much so that his struggle was compressed deep into his mind, the only indication on the outside being his expression of utter horror. The body was clothed, and pale, the limbs and garments coated with a filmy crimson layer, that lustered under the moon. Ciel could make out long arms and legs, the skin looked healthy even in the state it was in. The person was either alive, or just recently deceased. Dark hair was matted over their face, and the mouth was slightly ajar, lying slack at an odd angle.

The young male reached down now, not sure what he wanted to do. Settling on getting a better look, he swiped away the hair, careful not to touch the wet skin.

"SSsss!" He pulled a quick breath through his teeth, jerking his hand away, not willing to believe what was right in front of him.

'Sebastion … what happened to you?'

Choked sobs spilled from his lips as he clutched at his throat, unable to breathe after the realization the very man before him was his beloved Sebastion. His crimson eyes were wide open, a strange emptiness in them. A light pink covered the white, giving him a strange, almost sick look.

The air was tight around Ciel, his heart pounded loudly as he fell to his knees. The contents of his stomach emptied out onto the sand.

Tears dropped, making dark spots beneath him, as he crawled back towards the body, his mind gone.

He was dying, he could feel it, Ciel knew that the strange feeling rising up his arm as he went was his body going. Stretching his body as far as he could, he collapsed, his hand reaching out to grab Sebastion's, feeling his skin cold as ice.

The small boy just stayed like that. His thoughts pouring out as hot liquid tears.

'Why did this happen? Who did this? Come back to me… '

Just then, those crimson eyes blinked slowly, and slid over to look into the blue orbs beside them.

"Sebastion… you're… how?" His heart was slowing as he whispered these words, knowing he didn't have much longer.

"Ciel, I loved you. Why didn't you love me back?"

"I did. I do. I swear I love you!"

"You did this Ciel, it's all your fault. You could have saved me. You ruined us."

It was difficult to think now, but he knew what the man was saying and he could only feel the pain and agree.

"I'm sorry Sebastion, I'm so sorry."

* * *

Silence. That's what he heard now. Opening his eyes, he looked around. Tan walls surrounded him with minimal paintings and a medium sized, closed window. The light was bright from outside. Sitting up, he rubbed his eyes, trying to wipe away the leftover drowsiness he was feeling. He took in the heart monitor to his right, the small nightstand to his left with flowers, and no water in the vase, so they had to of been fake.

By his feet he saw a grocery bag with clothes in it, his clothes he guessed. Moving up the bed, he noticed the thin white cover, the metal rails, and the hideous light blue patterned gown he was in. Bandages were around his neck, cloth patches on his arms, and across his right shoulder. His muscles were stiff, like he'd been still for days.

'That's right, I don't even know what day it is.'

That was when the door next to him clicked and his mother walked in. She was carrying a small paper cup with what Ciel guessed was coffee by the way it smelled. Her hair was wound up in a bun, and she was wearing a light cream dress that just passed her knees. Her eyes started to tear up when she saw him sitting up. She hurriedly set the cup down and walked over to him, taking up his hand in her own. She pressed it to her cheek as her cries overflowed. Ciel couldn't help but feel for her. He also couldn't figure out what to say. He figured what he was thinking would be best.

"Mom… "

"Yes sweety, what is it? Are you ok? Do you need me to get the doctor?"

"No… Why am I here? Mom, I can't remember anything. What happened? All I remember is Sebastion and me leaving the house really late after he came over."

The woman paused a moment, looking at her son, trying to come to a decision about what he needed to hear right now, being the woman she was, she chose the truth.

"There was an accident sweety. You and Sebastion were a few blocks away during the storm that night. A man had a massive heart attack and couldn't control the car he was driving. You got hit, and so did Sebastion."

He didn't say anything. Instead he started crying too. He remembered now. He remembered how loud the thunder had been, the way the rain kept pouring, and the way they had kissed. He just kept crying as his mother wrapped her arms around him. The contact caused a sharp pain to creep up his shoulder, but it was nothing compared to the feeling of his heart breaking. His love, his Sebation, had saved him, he might only be alive in this bed right now because of that man.

"Where is he?"

"Sebastion is in a room down the hall. He suffered head trauma, three broken ribs, and massive blood loss. They are gonna keep him a few more days. His uncle Claude came down to watch over him."

This couldn't be real, it was just like Sebastion had told him in his sleep. All this was because of him. If he hadn't been scared to tell his parents, if Sebastion hadn't been trying to help, they wouldn't be here. He wouldn't forgive himself for this, he couldn't, he had hurt the person he cared about the most.

Seeing the troubled look in her son's eyes, Rachel kept telling him, hoping that he could handle it all at once, and possibly move past it. On the other hand though, she was looking to confirm her suspicions.

"Ciel, when one of the homes nearby called 911, the paramedics were on the scene in just a few minutes. They reported finding you unconscious and Sebastion in shock, mumbling things about you. He said he loved you, he kept apologizing, saying that he didn't mean to do that to you."

Ciel stopped crying now, his heart nearly crippling inside his chest as he listened to what his mother was saying. He knew Sebastion had felt guilty about loving him, he had always taken the blame for Ciel being gay. He and his parents had had talks about his sexuality before, and Ciel had always falsely claimed to be straight. Afterwards, he would call Sebastion and cry his eyes out, feeling alienated and afraid. That was when Sebastion would apologize, and take the fall for it.

The young man had considered coming out plenty of times, but with his father being a prude, and his mother having too high of expectations, he never did. Now he understood the real mistake was not made by his boyfriend, but by himself. He had been ashamed of the one person who would always accept him, the one who was always there. It was that shame that had hurt them, the car crash has been karma lashing out at him, telling him he screwed up. He had really screwed up.

"I love him."

Rachel's breath caught at the words. Looking deep into two cobalt eyes, she pried for more.

"I know Ciel, he has been an amazing friend to you all these years."

"No." Ciel was suddenly angry, his fists clenching as he spoke. "Mom, I am in love with him, we have been dating three years!"

There it was. The answer she was searching for, possibly the one she had known all along.

"You two were dating then? Like, in a homosexual way?"

The word homosexual pissed him off more, causing his knuckles to turn white as his nails dug into his palms.

"Gay. Yes mom, we're gay. We left that night to get out and have some time together, away from you and dad. We knew you wouldn't like it! Now look what happened! We're in the fucking hospital! He's hurt! The one person I live day to day for is in pain because I couldn't face my own sexuality!"

He was shaking now, his emotions boiling inside of him. 'Stupid, so fucking stupid! How did I let it get to this?' He couldn't keep the anger going, and instead started slipping back into a deep sadness. He needed to see Sebastion. He had to see him.

"What room is he in?"

"Why?"

"I want to see him."

"He isn't accepting visitors." She looked away from him now, focusing on the white light coming from the window.

So many things, so many things were threatening to drive him over the edge.

"I don't care! I need to see him! I have to tell him I'm sorry, I have to tell him how I feel!"

Rachel waited a moment now, she knew she was going to have to tell him, but she wasn't sure he could take much more, she was pushing the boundary of what he could take physically and mentally already.

"Ciel…" She took his hand again. "You can't see him or tell him anything."

He wasn't getting it. He was still trying to get a grip.

"Why the fuck not?!" He was shouting loud enough he was sure others could hear.

"He doesn't remember."

"That doesn't matter! I can just tell him about the crash! He has to figure out something happened if he's here!"

Rachel knew it would be hard to explain. She knew, she could tell what he had said earlier was true. She had seen the way they looked at each other over the years. The way her son would become uncomfortable when discussing girls or his preferences. She also knew his aversion to the topic had been her and his father's own doing. They had pushed their beliefs onto him, and now there was no going back. She knew she would have to apologize, but one hurtle at a time was all she could take. She would have to try her best to help Ciel.

"No, sweety that's not what I mean-"

"Then what the fuck do you mean?! Just say it mom, I can handle it!"

"He remembers the crash, but he has no idea who you are." There, she had said it. Now, she waited.

He got colder and colder as the words sank in. 'He has no idea who I am.'

This had to be a sick joke, a really sick, twisted joke. He had to know, how can you forget 3 years of somebody being there. He looked over to his mom, seeing how her eyes were cast down. She couldn't look at him. That was when he knew it was the truth. His Sebastion had no idea who he was anymore. That meant that all those memories, all the hugs, all the kisses, all of it, was gone. It meant nothing.

"Mom, no. This can't be happening… I can't live without him. Oh my god, no. Please no!"

The sobs wracked his body as his mother held him on the hospital bed. She would never in all her life have thought she'd be here. If she had known what her parenting would do to her child, she would never had acted the way she had. Here he was, pale, in pain, crying his eyes out. His best friend, and apparently love of his life for years, was just a few rooms away, and didn't even know what was happening. There was nothing she could do.

Ciel couldn't stop now, any resolve, any strength or control he had was now gone. He could not understand why this was happening. Was this his punishment? What would happen now? He couldn't survive without Sebastion. He had never had anyone else who had made him feel safer. He also knew, that there was nobody else in the world he could lose but Sebastion, that would leave him feeling so completely alone.

* * *

Ta-Da! Hating me? Yep, I thought so. Anywhooo, things will pick up here soon, and you'll be getting to know our other characters a little better too. As for undertaker's name being 'White' ... Wellll, idk, I just went with my brain.

So here are your songs, please note, these songs, either by feeling or lyrics helped me to write this song sooooo ya. :)

1. Hanging On- Ellie Goulding  
Me Go- Florence + The Machine  
3. What Now- Rihanna

(Be sure to review and tell me what you think of the music too! REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!)

Last Note: I think I'll be uploading every chapter within a week or two weeks of the latest upload. Make sense? Awesome. Til next time! ;D


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